how to be more honest

1. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches without drinking milk.  Drink water instead.

2. Inhale deeply your own farts.

3. When driving on the highway late at night in low traffic, accelerate until the car starts to shake.

4. Stand in a room, staring at a light for 5 minutes, and then quickly run outside into the woods (if you live near a forest) when it is nighttime and very dark.  Try to make yourself think about monsters and bugs without getting scared.

5. Hand-write a letter to a friend you haven't spoken with in a while, but still think about fairly often.  Tell him/her exactly what you think of them, and then burn the letter and use the ashes to make a charcoal drawing of what you think their face would look like now.  

6. Don't let ice cream melt, ever.

7. Practice solitary, erratic errands.

8. Dive under water and hold your breath for as long as you think you can hold it, and then stay under for an extra 15 seconds. 

9. Watch Maury on UPN 57 every day for a week, and see if you have a dream about the show.  If you do, call Maury and tell him about your dream and see if he invites you onto the show.  If not, throw toilet paper on his house.  

10. Try to imagine how painful it would be to slice the webbing between your toes.